When things are going nicely, tucking your toddler in at night is a natural pride—the I like yous, the kisses, the superb ZZZs! But when toddler bedtime struggles crop up—wandering after your little wild infant, wrestling them into their PJs, shutting the bedroom door while they shriek on the other side—it’s only natural for parents to fear seeing the sun go down.
Sound familiar? It turns out that many babies (aka your personal private Energizer Bunny) resist bedtime. They hate leaving the joys of running, climbing, touching, and learning. The world is so exciting to them! At the same time, when your baby reaches around 18 months they start to undergo a very independent phase, where “No!” is their favorite word. They don’t hesitate to use their new go-to word at bedtime. The result: Toddlers get tired…really tired. And the more tired they get, the more rigid, hyper, and irritable they become. In fact, one poll reported that a third of toddlers—and half of preschoolers—frequently stall at bedtime…and many downright fight it.
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While this kind of toddler defiance is natural, toddler bedtime can get better. Below are common reasons toddlers fight bedtime—and how to help them get the sleep they need during these years.
Reasons Toddlers Refuse to Go to Bed and Sleep Through the Night
Remember when your toddler went to bed without a hitch and slept all night long in their own bed? Bliss! Well, I’ve got good news: That dream can come true all over again. But before we can zero in on your toddler’s bedtime solutions, let’s first zero in on why your little one is resisting bedtime right now:
Reason Toddler Won’t Sleep #1: They’re over-excited.
Toddlers can easily get wound up on TV, roughhousing, or thanks to something they’ve consumed, like sugary juice, candy snacks, artificial colors and flavors, cold medicine, or a dose of caffeine from soda, iced tea, or chocolate.
Reason Toddler Won’t Sleep #2: Something is bugging them.
It could be bright lights, loud noises, or discomfort. For example, your toddler might be teething. It could be too hot or too cold. Your tot may have a stuffy nose or perhaps they’re agitated by itchy PJs.
Reason Toddler Won’t Sleep #3: They’re curious and strong-willed.
Toddlers are curious by nature. They practically invented FOMO! So, toddlers just don’t want to go to their bedroom because they want to see what everyone else is doing.
Reason Toddler Won’t Sleep #4: They’re addicted to your help.
Some toddlers have never learned how to doze off on their own. So, they rely on things like you rocking them, feeding them, and holding them in order to go night-night.
Reason Toddler Won’t Sleep #5: They’re going through a nervous stage.
It’s natural for toddlers to experience some difficulty being alone—especially at bedtime. They may get anxious when you turn the lights out and worry that there are monsters under the bed. Toddlers are also dealing with a smorgasbord of other concerns—from strangers to dogs to thunder.
Reason Toddler Won’t Sleep #6: Their bedtime timing is off.
There is no standard one-size-fits-all bedtime for all toddlers. That means you may be putting your toddler to bed too early (so they’re not tired) or too late (and they’re overtired and stressed).
How to Get Toddlers to Sleep
Regardless of the reason your toddler won’t sleep, there are plenty of ways to help them get the ZZZs they need. One of the best strategies to start fixing your 2- to 3-year-old toddler’s bedtime issues is to work on their bedtime skills—all day long.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #1: Try these daytime tricks.
Did you know that preparing for your toddler’s bedtime starts in the morning? It’s true! It’s important to get your little one outside early in the day, exposing them to fresh air and natural outdoor light. This helps to regulate your toddler’s sleep hormone, called melatonin, ensuring that your tot will be sleepy when bedtime rolls around. While your toddler is outside, get moving! It’s recommended that toddlers clock at least three hours of running-around play a day because, for one, being active during the day has been shown to improve a toddler’s sleep quality at night.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #2: Stick to a predictable schedule.
Make sure your toddler wakes up at the same time each morning and goes to sleep at the same time each night. Research has shown that creating a predictable bedtime routine significantly reduces tricky sleep behaviors in toddlers.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #3: Adjust naptime.
If your toddler naps hard in the middle of the day and you’re hoping to shift some of that daytime sleep to the evening, start by shortening the afternoon nap by 15 minutes. (This’ll help your toddler be a bit more tired at night.) If that goes well, trim another 15 off and slide bedtime 15 minutes earlier. Keep adjusting until you land on the schedule you want. (If your toddler gets cranky in the early evening, you’ll know you’ve shortened the nap too much.) At the same time, try to keep your toddler’s naps from going past 4 or 5pm.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #4: Create a peaceful environment.
At least 30 minutes prior to lights out, make sure to create a soothing environment for your toddler. Try reading a book, putting on soft music, or giving your toddler a calming bath. It’s also important to nix roughhousing and to avoid other high-stimulation activities like watching TV or a movie.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #5: Play white noise.
White noise isn’t just for babies! White noise works wonders for toddlers, too. Part of the reason: White noise muffles jarring sounds—like a too-loud TV or noisy traffic passing by—that could easily wake them up. SNOObie and SNOObear both provide the just-right white noise for toddler sleep by creating a blanket of sound that masks disruptive sudden shifts in sound consistency.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #6: Dim the lights.
Did you know that kids’ eyes have larger pupils, and they have more transparent lenses than adults? That means your toddler’s eyes are more sensitive to light, potentially making them even more prone to sleep disturbances. In fact, research has shown that melatonin is suppressed anywhere from 70% to 99% after light exposure. Because of this, about an hour before you say good night, dim the lights in the house and draw the curtains. And don’t forget to turn off other sleep-sapping lights from the TV, phone, and/or tablet.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #6: Enlist help.
Once your toddler has celebrated their first birthday, it’s safe and recommended to introduce a lovey like a blankie or a teddy bear to their night-night routine. (SNOObear is both a lovey and white noise machine.) These cuddly buddies help toddlers build confidence and comfort, which makes toddlers feel more at ease when it comes to saying good-night to their grown-ups. To amp your lovey’s power, try to reserve it for sleepytime only and include the stuffie or blanket in your toddler’s bedtime routine by giving goodnight kisses to the lovey, too!
Toddler Sleep Strategy #7: Veto the before-bed snack.
If your tot is still hungry after dinner, it’s okay to offer a (healthy and boring) snack, like a banana or a cheese stick, about 45 minutes after dinner, but I’d avoid giving a toddler a snack any later. Do you remember the old movie Gremlins? One of the rules was not to feed those furry creatures—or give them water—after a certain time. Practice this same rule with your toddler to avoid having them go from cute and cuddly to full-on monster mode! (Declarations of I’m Hungry at bedtime is often really a stall tactic.)
Toddler Sleep Strategy #8: Tuck your toddler into bed.
Make sure to tuck your toddler into bed while they’re in a sleepy state, but still awake. You want them to learn how to put themselves to sleep. Plus, your nightly tuck-in is the perfect time to engage in some toddler sweet talk. At bedtime your tot’s sleepy brain is calm, open, and ready to absorb the good stuff you say. Once your tot is tucked in, snuggle up next to them and in a soft, understated way, recount some of the fun experiences and acts of kindness from the day just past. Also, list some things that might happen tomorrow and good deeds your toddler may do. Sweet talk is a great way for parents to bond with their toddler and it makes bedtime something your toddler looks forward to, instead of something to avoid!
Toddler Sleep Strategy #9: Handle nightmares like this.
Nightmares are pretty common and can start as early as 2 to 3 years old. If your toddler has a nightmare and runs into your bed, it’s more than okay to offer your tot shelter under your covers. But, after they’ve calmed down, it’s best to place them back into their own bed. Try surrounding them with various items of comfort to make them feel safe and learn how to go to sleep on their own.
Toddler Sleep Strategy #10: Consider moving your toddler’s bedtime.
While a 7pm to 7am sleep schedule might be your dream toddler bedtime routine, most toddlers do best when their bedtime falls between 8 and 9pm. If your toddler fights night-night, it’s a telltale sign that their bedtime may be too early…or too late. When bedtime is too early, your toddler may show no signs of fatigue (like rubbing their eyes or yawning) at bedtime and fight sleep for up to 60 minutes. On the other hand, resisting sleep can also be a sign that bedtime is too late! If your toddler has trouble waking up and shows clear signs of tiredness at bedtime, bedtime is later than it should be. If you think your tot’s bedtime is too early, push their bedtime routine 15 minutes later every two to three nights. Too late? Start your toddler’s bedtime routine 15 minutes earlier every two to three nights. Either approach should work within a week or two.
How to Put Your Toddler’s Bedtime Demands on Hold
If your tot runs over your rules like a steamroller, try this little strategy (a twist on patience-stretching) to put their demands “on hold.”
Step 1:
First, spend a week practicing patience-stretching five times a day and using white noise for all sleep. Once your tot gets used to all this, you’re ready for this toddler sleep training trick.
Step 2:
When your sleepy tyke toddles up to the night gate in their PJs and pleads for water, come immediately and say, “Okay, sweetheart, Mommy’s here, Mommy’s here.” Listen to their request and say “Yes, honey, yes.” But then raise one finger (as if you just remembered something important) and exclaim, “Wait! Wait! I forgot something! I’ll be back…really fast!” And tell your tot to cuddle their lovey until you return. (They’ll be familiar with all this from her experiences with patience-stretching during the day.)
Step 3:
Hurry out of view for five seconds. Then, return and innocently ask, “Honey, I’m so sorry I forgot––what do you want?” Or say, “Oh darn! Silly Mommy! I forgot the water! I’m sorry, honey. I’ll be back in just a sec!” Then leave for 10 seconds, but this time actually get it for your little one.
Step 4:
The next time your tyke summons you, do the “Wait! Wait!” routine again––but this time, disappear for 15 seconds. When you return, ask what they want, but then do the routine again, and return 30 seconds later with the water. Over a few days, you can build the waiting length up to one and then two minutes. Eventually, your tot will discover that asking for things has turned into a pretty dull, no-fun game.
(Your little worm may get tired and fall asleep on the floor while they’re waiting for your return. So, leave a pillow and blanket on the floor by the door gate in case they choose to fall asleep there instead of in bed.)
Step 5:
If your sweetie gets impatient and starts yelling, wait five seconds, then return and acknowledge their frustration (in your best toddler-ese). Then repeat your “Wait! Wait!” routine and disappear for another 15 seconds.)